Letter to my Emotionally Unavailable Mother
Chamalis Wesley
Letter to my Emotionally Unavailable Mother
Love from a mother with narcissistic tendencies is unpredictable and punctuated by control and anger. A narcissistic mother is incapable of having unconditional love for their children. The love that she will give will only be based off conditions.
Because of this some of us grow up feeling like we aren’t good enough. Some of us grow up not having a clue on what healthy relationships look like or what it feels like to truly be loved. We go out into the world unable to give unconditional love to people because it was never given to us.
I have a lot of experiences with my mother in which I will share in upcoming posts and books but for the purpose of this blog, I am going to choose to share an experience that is relevant to this blog.
When I was a teenager, I was scared to express myself to my mother out loud because I feared that she would dismiss anything that I said and deem it as being “disrespectful. I also feared that her response to my feelings would make me feel empty and sad. So, I decided to write her a letter and leave it on her bed so that she could read it while I wasn’t present.
In the letter, I would express to my mother that I didn’t feel loved, and I wanted to know what I could do for her to give me the love I desired. I would apologize in the letter for whatever I done to receive the treatment that was being given. I poured my heart out in an open letter to my mother twice and both times she never responded to either as if she never seen them.
Not receiving any acknowledgement of my feelings or seeing any changed behavior really made me hate my life and I was not a happy child. This in turn made me shut off my feelings while forming a hard exterior making it difficult for anyone to get close to me. I thought no one else would truly love me or show me real love if my own mother couldn’t give me that.
As a child, I wrote those letters because I was crying out for my mother’s attention and love. Today, I write a letter because it is what I need to close this chapter with my mother, and it has helped with the end part of my healing process.
I am writing this letter for myself and for every woman who’s had to go through this life’s experience with a narcissistic mother.
This letter is not only to help me heal and grieve the relationship that I’ve accepted will never exist between my mother and I but also to be of help to anyone who’s experience this along with me.
Below I have pinned a letter to my mother as a way for me to give my subconscious mind what it needs to be able to make peace with my experiences:
To my mother, all I ever wanted was to feel and be loved by you. To have your support, compassion and understanding but it was something that you just couldn’t give to me. I know being able to do those things was foreign to you because your mom was also a piece of work who didn’t give you what you needed. However, I cannot let you slide simply because you didn’t have the blueprint. A lot of people don’t have the blueprint to being a good mother, but it doesn’t stop them from doing whatever they can to become a better person/mother.
I remember when I use to write you letters crying out for your help and love. I used to pour my heart out in those letters letting you know that I did not feel loved and that I was willing to do anything to be able to have and feel loved. You never responded to the letters and to this day, you will deny ever receiving any letters from me.
As a matter of fact, you will deny any childhood trauma that I bring up to you so that you don’t have to come to terms with how much you dropped the ball as my mother. You will deny how you treated certain siblings different from me because it keeps you from accepting the fact that you aren’t a good person. If you acknowledged my experiences, you would have to admit that there isn’t a genuine bone in your body.
Because how could a decent human being have favorites when it comes to feeding kids, clothing them, and loving them. How could you do something for one child but not the other? Kids are kids and it was your responsibility as my mother to love me, protect me, support me, and love me unconditionally.
You traumatized me, damaged me, verbally abused me, humiliated me publicly and inflicted so much pain on me. You broke my heart and my trust to where I would cringe at the thought of being vulnerable and trusting others. I thought I had to be mean in order to keep from being hurt by people that I created this distorted identity. I didn’t want to be mean and unloving to people, but it was the only thing I could come up with to protect myself. There isn’t one stranger who has come close to the amount of hurt you have caused me. You have the world fooled because you get to lie and control the narrative on your end; I like to call that a master manipulator.
I used to get so angry when you’d make a Happy Birthday post to me on social media but wouldn’t even pick up the phone to say it verbally or talk to me. I used to get so angry when you’d post on social media that you were proud of me but wasn’t even picking up the phone to talk to me. It used to anger me because of the audacity you had to show fake love to the world. That shouldn’t have surprised me when you’d be nice to strangers and come home to not even speak to your own child.
Out of all the fucked-up experiences and trauma I encountered, there were some things that I learned from you being my “mother”. I learned to love my kids unconditionally and give them room to be themselves while being able to express themselves. I learned to never show kids that you have “favorites” and single them out.
I now understand as an adult, the reason you treated me the way you did is because you weren’t happy deep within and because you had a lot of fucked programming that occurred when you were growing up. You had no clue what true happiness looks like or living your life to fullest.
I understand that how you treated me was a necessary part of my spiritual journey in order to fulfill my purpose and the most high’s plan for my life.
However, just because I understand the why I had to go through this experience doesn’t mean I have to deal with you or have a place for you in my life.
I am creating a better life for me and my kids and I’m not referring to monetary things. I get to create a house filled with love, compassion and understanding. I get to create a bond where we truly know, understand and support each other through every phase of life that we go through. I am proud to NEVER be like you and I am proud that my kids don’t get to experience a mother like you. I don’t wish you bad nor do I wish you well, but I am grateful that you decided to deliver a beautiful queen inside and out who will share her story in hopes of changing the world one person at a time. I am also grateful because I get to stop this generational curse that was pass down to you from your mother.
My desire to have a relationship with you is no longer there as I realize that I can’t have a safe relationship with someone who lacks accountability and compassion. I’ve grieved my losses, I forgive you, but I will never forget.
I know that I was meant to love and give freely but now I know that it’s all about having discernment on who I should love and give freely to. I get to still be me while protecting my heart at the same time. I am so much better now, and I am proud of the woman that I am.
From this day forward, I dedicate my life to uplifting, encouraging, supporting and understanding kids as they are the future. Children depend on adults to equip them with the tools needed to be successful, loving adults and I vow to give them the tools needed.
In this letter, I am leaving the resentment and bitterness I have towards you. You no longer owe me anything and I am responsible for loving the inner child in me. I will honor you by choosing to stay away from you and being subjected to your toxic energy. I choose to liberate myself from you while setting you free from the expectation I had of you.
I am choosing to live life and be me unapologetically.
For those of who you are/ have experienced this, join me in a writing a letter to your mother in order to start releasing all the hurt and pain you have been caused. To release the self-sabotaging beliefs that you have been believing about yourself.
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